Important Safety Information: This column is not for everyone. Readers experiencing feelings of irritability, rage, anxiety, or disgust are advised to seek comedic intervention immediately. Tell your humorist if you are feeling lethargic, morose or disenfranchised as this may be a sign of a severe disorder, stick-in-the-mud disease, which has been associated with an acute absence of a sense of humor and could adversely affect those unfortunate enough to be in your general vicinity. Until the time that you are able to seek professional help – listen to this.

I'm writing this on Friday, the final day of 2010. My deadline is at ten o'clock Sunday evening, but I have a classic case of The Bug so I'm toughing it out today, hoping I'll be able to kick back for a couple of days this weekend.

There are some two hundred different types of viruses known to cause the common cold, approximately one-hundred-fifty of which have taken up residence, without permission, inside my cranium.

My head is throbbing; I can't breathe through my nose; my eyes are watering so badly I can barely see and Mr. and Mrs. Mucus from the Mucinex® commercials, along with their entire family, have moved in to my lungs.

It has always seemed odd to me when a doctor refers to an illness as, The Bug. After four years of undergraduate school, four years of medical school and from three to eight years of residency training in their desired specialty, plus access to the most up to date technology in the world; one would expect a more precise diagnosis than, You've got the bug. Not to mention the prescribed treatment is generally, drink lots of fluids and get plenty of rest; the same advice my mother gave me, bless her soul, and I'm fairly certain she never went to medical school.

Our doctor made house calls when I was a kid. He'd arrive at the front door with his weathered, black leather bag and my mother would greet him and bring him to my room. Then the fun would begin. He'd tell me to roll over on my side and then he'd jam a needle the size of a Red Sox souvenir bat into my butt –and it hurt- it hurt a lot! The needles back then weren't as thin or as sharp as they are today. I believe they were fashioned from recycled roofing nails.

Penicillin was the cure for The Bug in those days. Actually, penicillin was the cure for everything in those days, and do you know what? It worked! We didn't have all the medicines that are out there now. It seems that every time I turn on the TV, some talking head is pitching the latest breakthrough medication for the disease de jour.

And have you seen the disclaimers on some of these medications? A well-known arthritis drug's disclaimer follows below. Even though these are the company's own words; I've removed the brand-name of this drug to avoid spending the next several years, and all of my children's inheritance, fighting a lawsuit.

Brief: Death, gastrointestinal hemorrhages, stomach bleeding, cardiovascular problems, kidney and liver damage, ulcers, indigestion, diarrhea, abdominal pain, allergic reactions.

 Official: Important Safety Information

Prescription (name removed) is not for everyone. People with aspirin-sensitive asthma or allergic reactions due to aspirin or other arthritis medicines or certain drugs called sulfonamides should not take (name removed). In rare cases, serious stomach problems such as bleeding can occur without warning. The most common side effects in clinical trials were indigestion, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. (name removed) should not be taken in late pregnancy. Tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems. If you think you are having an allergic reaction, or if you have other severe or unusual symptoms while taking (name removed), call your doctor, or other healthcare professional immediately.

Gastrointestinal hemorrhages and stomach bleeding? Cardiovascular problems? Kidney and liver damage? Ulcers, indigestion, diarrhea, abdominal pain, and allergic reactions? Death?

That's terrific! Hey, I have gastrointestinal bleeding and my kidneys and liver are failing, but my arthritis pain is gone!

No thanks! I'll tough it out with the arthritis.

And what the heck does, Tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems mean? Shouldn't your doctor already know that? Call me crazy, but if I have to tell my doctor what's wrong with me; I'm finding a new doctor!

Keeping in line with our discussion about The Bug; what's up with the word phlegm? Who the heck came up with the spelling for that word? My family and I ate at Fleming's in Boston a couple of weeks ago. The place was packed and the food was delicious. But how many customers do you suppose they'd attract if their name was, Phlegming's?

I was at the Rite Aid store at Five Corners a while back. I'd been having some sinus problems and I was looking for something to give me some relief. 

After perusing every sinus remedy in the store, reading the warnings on the back of the packages and opting not to trade a little sinus pressured for chronic nosebleeds, nervousness, dizziness, sleepiness, or a life-long addiction to nasal spray; I asked Kim, the pharmacist on duty, for some advice. She suggested a Neti Pot, a simple but effective way to irrigate one's nasal passages while flushing out all the viscous liquid secreted by the mucous membranes. To be more precise, it washes all the built up crud out of your nose. How's that for a visual?

There are a few different kinds of Neti Pots available, but I opted for the squeeze bottle type. By the way, rather than spending your hard-earned money on the expensive pre-packaged powders that are sold to be used with the Neti Pot, make your own fifty-fifty mix of baking soda and either sea salt or kosher salt and add one teaspoon of this mixture to eight ounces of distilled water.

Now the fun begins! Take your Neti Pot in to the bathroom; bend your head down over the sink, stick the top of the Neti Pot in to one of your nostrils and squeeze. The solution will go up that nostril and come gushing out the opposite nostril carrying all kinds of disgusting nastiness in its wake. Now blow your nose and repeat this delightful ritual on the other side.

Was that fun or what? Glad to be of assistance. No extra charge for the medical advice.

I have to go now. I'm heading down to Soups On Center to get some of their yummy chicken noodle. I can't type anymore anyway. I just sneezed on my keyboard and well; you don't really want to know.

Have a great week!